Here's a quick thought exercise for baseball fans:
Imagine your favorite baseball players. The guys that you love to cheer for on a nice summer day. Hear the crack of your favorite slugger's bat followed quickly by the sudden cheer of thousands of fans. Feel your hands clapping as you stand and watch your favorite pitcher punch out a batter for the third out. Picture these heroes standing proudly in your mind.
Got it?
They're all juicing. All of them. As you read this, they have Russian doctors sticking giant needles in their biceps a la Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their backs are covered with acne and they're probably so jacked up on 'roids that, at this moment, they're punting kittens off of a roof while sobbing uncontrollably. Every single baseball player you have ever heard of is furiously chomping on tobacco to stop themselves from ferociously biting the neck of the nearest senior citizen.
But this will pass, won't it? Eventually, the Steroid era will be over and we will have learned a great lesson about what happens when we go to the dark side. Integrity in baseball will finally return...right?
Wrong. Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reopened his sweatshop where Malaysian infants are forced to work 20 hours a day, injecting Halloween candy with HGH. This candy will be passed out to every single Little League player across the globe on October 31. Right now, twelve-year old first basemen are curling 50 lb dumbells in a dark basement, discussing their violent Hannah Montana fantasies and punching each other in the face. It'll never stop. It'll never be over...
This exercise has been designed to desensitize you to any further steriods revelations. On the heels of the Manny Ramirez suspension, I find it best to just assume that every single baseball player is a filthy cheater. First, its probably true. Second, it removes all the suspicions that cloud the sport and allows us to just enjoy the game for what it is. Just try to think of it along the same lines as the NFL. What, you thought 250 lb men just naturally run 40 yards in 4.3 seconds? But who cares? Its awesome to watch them blow up an unsuspecting QB from the blindside.
So, remember: Your hero is a dirty cheater and has probably mugged several Salvation Army Santas to feed his drug habit. But, man, is he fun to watch at the plate when he's got a man in scoring position late in the game.
Have a good weekend! Go Cubs!
Imagine your favorite baseball players. The guys that you love to cheer for on a nice summer day. Hear the crack of your favorite slugger's bat followed quickly by the sudden cheer of thousands of fans. Feel your hands clapping as you stand and watch your favorite pitcher punch out a batter for the third out. Picture these heroes standing proudly in your mind.
Got it?
They're all juicing. All of them. As you read this, they have Russian doctors sticking giant needles in their biceps a la Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their backs are covered with acne and they're probably so jacked up on 'roids that, at this moment, they're punting kittens off of a roof while sobbing uncontrollably. Every single baseball player you have ever heard of is furiously chomping on tobacco to stop themselves from ferociously biting the neck of the nearest senior citizen.
But this will pass, won't it? Eventually, the Steroid era will be over and we will have learned a great lesson about what happens when we go to the dark side. Integrity in baseball will finally return...right?
Wrong. Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reopened his sweatshop where Malaysian infants are forced to work 20 hours a day, injecting Halloween candy with HGH. This candy will be passed out to every single Little League player across the globe on October 31. Right now, twelve-year old first basemen are curling 50 lb dumbells in a dark basement, discussing their violent Hannah Montana fantasies and punching each other in the face. It'll never stop. It'll never be over...
This exercise has been designed to desensitize you to any further steriods revelations. On the heels of the Manny Ramirez suspension, I find it best to just assume that every single baseball player is a filthy cheater. First, its probably true. Second, it removes all the suspicions that cloud the sport and allows us to just enjoy the game for what it is. Just try to think of it along the same lines as the NFL. What, you thought 250 lb men just naturally run 40 yards in 4.3 seconds? But who cares? Its awesome to watch them blow up an unsuspecting QB from the blindside.
So, remember: Your hero is a dirty cheater and has probably mugged several Salvation Army Santas to feed his drug habit. But, man, is he fun to watch at the plate when he's got a man in scoring position late in the game.
Have a good weekend! Go Cubs!
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At this point, I take anyone fooled/ashamed/dissapointed about steroids in baseball with the following caveat: her or she simply does not like baseball, and his or her dislike of baseball has absolutely nothing to do with steroids. Thus, I refuse to listen to his or her opinion about a sport I like.
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