Its just true

Here's an absolute fact: The theme song for the Golden Girls is the greatest theme song ever of all time. And it always will be. Let's check it out.



"And if you threw a partaaaay..."

Man, it is so good.

If it weren't so ridiculous, it'd be hilarious

Yesterday, the White House announced that it had removed $17 billion from the proposed 2010 budget. Republican congressmen were quick to point out that, despite how big $17 billion may sound, it only represented approximately 0.5% of the total $3.5 trillion budget and 1.2% of the planned $1.4 trillion deficit. As Republican Senator Judd Gregg put it,

"It's as if this were the Gobi Desert or the Sahara Desert and you came along and you took a few pieces of sand"

What a refreshing take. Republicans want to make sure that the American public isn't sidetracked by announcements like these and focuses on the big picture. They want to make sure that the people are well informed and don't judge the administration's budget based on the removal of items that have an almost insignificant impact on the whole thing. Transparency in politics! That is great, let's focus on what really matters and....wait, hold on, the Hypocrisy phone is ringing.

OK, I'm back. And I have some disturbing news.

Remember, that whole stimulus package thing that not a single House Republican voted for? I think it had something to do with all the "frivolous spending" that was included in the nearly $900 billion package. In fact, they submitted a list itemizing all the wasteful spending included in the bill. Yeah, that list only represented approximately 2.1% of that bill. But, apparently that was enough to categorize the entire bill as an exercise in government waste.

So, let's recap: When the White House makes efforts to reduce spending, 1.2% is but an insignificant fraction. When the White House wants to spend to bolster the economy, 2.1% represents the whole.

Either the GOP handbook declares 2% as the line of significance or this miiiiight just be a little political posturing.

Thought Exercise

Here's a quick thought exercise for baseball fans:

Imagine your favorite baseball players. The guys that you love to cheer for on a nice summer day. Hear the crack of your favorite slugger's bat followed quickly by the sudden cheer of thousands of fans. Feel your hands clapping as you stand and watch your favorite pitcher punch out a batter for the third out. Picture these heroes standing proudly in your mind.

Got it?

They're all juicing. All of them. As you read this, they have Russian doctors sticking giant needles in their biceps a la Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their backs are covered with acne and they're probably so jacked up on 'roids that, at this moment, they're punting kittens off of a roof while sobbing uncontrollably. Every single baseball player you have ever heard of is furiously chomping on tobacco to stop themselves from ferociously biting the neck of the nearest senior citizen.

But this will pass, won't it? Eventually, the Steroid era will be over and we will have learned a great lesson about what happens when we go to the dark side. Integrity in baseball will finally return...right?

Wrong. Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reopened his sweatshop where Malaysian infants are forced to work 20 hours a day, injecting Halloween candy with HGH. This candy will be passed out to every single Little League player across the globe on October 31. Right now, twelve-year old first basemen are curling 50 lb dumbells in a dark basement, discussing their violent Hannah Montana fantasies and punching each other in the face. It'll never stop. It'll never be over...

This exercise has been designed to desensitize you to any further steriods revelations. On the heels of the Manny Ramirez suspension, I find it best to just assume that every single baseball player is a filthy cheater. First, its probably true. Second, it removes all the suspicions that cloud the sport and allows us to just enjoy the game for what it is. Just try to think of it along the same lines as the NFL. What, you thought 250 lb men just naturally run 40 yards in 4.3 seconds? But who cares? Its awesome to watch them blow up an unsuspecting QB from the blindside.

So, remember: Your hero is a dirty cheater and has probably mugged several Salvation Army Santas to feed his drug habit. But, man, is he fun to watch at the plate when he's got a man in scoring position late in the game.

Have a good weekend! Go Cubs!

Brilliant...Just Brilliant

This video made my day and could possibly make my year. Enjoy.

Back to Wrigley

The return of baseball season is a time I've looked forward to every year since I came to Chicago. Moving here marked my baseball awakening and I was naturally drawn to the Chicago Cubs, the lovable losers of Major League Baseball. Before moving here, I made the decision to start following the Cubs since most of the North Side lives and dies with the team, but my heart was truly sold the first time I stepped into Wrigley Field. When you make a trip to Wrigley, you feel the Cubs: the neighborhood, the tradition, the soul, the community, everything. I won't try to paint an elaborately expressive picture as much greater minds have better articulated the feeling of being a Cubs fan (and a baseball fan, in general). But for the purposes of this post, just know this: I heart the Cubs.

So, on Wednesday, April 15th, I headed to Wrigley Field for the first time in the 2009 baseball season. The Cubs were playing the Colorado Rockies in a midday game with Rich Harden taking the mound for the Cubs and Jason Marquis starting for the Rockies. Marquis was the #5 starter in the Cubs' rotation over the last two years and the fans in Chicago were anxious to express their views on his mediocre performance during his tenure with the team. Given the fact that most people I know have this whole "work" thing going on, I went to the game solo and decided to chronicle my time via photo. Care to join me? Then, let's play ball!

Ah, the legendary sign. Seeing this bad boy lit up always makes me feel good. Also...there's a new Buccaneer Battle Water Adventure Ride at Six Flags?! Hell yeah, son! Summer is here, baby!

Here's the view from my seat. Pretty awesome, eh? And here's the great thing: it cost me 30 bucks. Middle of the week, middle of the day, tons of seats available. Its awesome. One of the perks of quitting your job. One of the downfalls of quitting your job: people stop paying you. Thought I'd throw that out there since no one told me; that was quite the rude awakening.

Kids at a baseball game. Quite the trying experience. Now, first off, let me clear this little guy's reputation: he was a saint. He and his dad had a great time together. But I needed to get a picture of a kid in order to make my point (Side note: trying to take a picture of a random kid is terrifying. I felt like if his dad knew I was taking that picture, he would punch me in the face, call me a creep and break my camera). Anyway, there was a couple sitting behind me who decided to bring along their two young boys, both of whom were under the age of four, I'm guessing. The kids spent the entire game with their backs turned to the field, randomly poking me, screaming, crying and demanding toys and treats. Now, people can do whatever they want and I'd be an idiot to be mad at loud noises during a baseball game, but the experience did make me think about how I'll handle baseball games with my kids. Tentatively, I've come up with the following qualifications I will insist on before I take my kid to a game:

• The child understands the basic rules of baseball (Three strikes and you're out, three outs to a side, how a run is scored, etc.)

• The child has shown the ability to watch at least two innings of baseball on television without demanding to do something else.

• The child can identify a favorite team and at least one player that he/she likes and will be excited to see take an at-bat

In my opinion, if you take a kid to a game before they meet these qualifications, you're taking them because you want to go, not because they do. My guess is that my kid will be around seven before they meet these tests. I'm considering adding the ability to accurately predict pitches and calculate VORP on the back of an envelope to the list of criteria; this would take the predicted age up to 27.

Preview

The beer guy. A fundamental part of the ballpark. I had decided to grab a couple of beers while I was at the game, but then decided to step it up due to the cold weather. As a vendor at Wrigley once told me, "The third beer is antifreeze". Over the course of nine innings, this man, his coworkers and I would form a great relationship.

I included this photo in order to call attention to catcher Geovany Soto's uniform. He's wearing number 42. Those of you who are familiar with the MLB know that the number 42 was retired from the league in honor of Jackie Robinson; no player in the league is normally allowed to wear this number (with the exception of Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, who was grandfathered in as he wore the number before the rule was put in place). On this day, however, Soto and every other player on the field was wearing 42 because it was the annual day of the season in which the MLB honors Robinson's memory. I love this day because I love hearing Jackie's story on ESPN every year. Talk about a guy with backbone. Robinson lettered in four sports in college. He fought to receive officer's training in the army and when he heard a fellow officer hurl a racial slur at a black soldier, he punched his teeth out. He went on to endure some of the most abrasively racist behavior as the first black player in the MLB and did so without saying a word in retaliation because the owner of the Dodgers told him to keep his mouth shut. When the owner took the muzzle off, Robinson made it a habit to challenge every opposing player who cursed him to meet him under the stands for a fight; none of them took him up on it. Robinson's story means a lot to me, not only as a black man, but also as a man in general. Jackie knew what his rights were and wouldn't let anyone stop him from succeeding. That's something we can all learn something from.

Since legendary announcer Harry Caray died, the Cubs organization has invited celebrities to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch in Caray's place. Who graced Wrigley with his presence on this day? Check the scoreboard: Michael J. Fox. Marty McFly, son! The two guys sitting next to me spent the bottom of the seventh quoting the Back to the Future movies. "Its not you Marty, Its your kids!". Good times. Good times indeed.

See this usher? This usher was on his JOB. Throughout the game, I saw this guy kick at least 15 couples out of unoccupied seats in the front row of the box section I was sitting in, even in the eighth inning when it was clear that they would go unclaimed. I've always been ambivalent on the debate between letting people move down to empty seats and the economic free rider problem it creates (if you could just take the empty seats, no one would buy them). This guy, however, made it known where he stood: Go back to your seat, loser.

In the end, the Cubs wound up losing the game 5-2. Harden, who routinely punches out at least 10 opposing players a game, just didn't have it going and Marquis pitched the best game he ever has at Wrigley; too bad he happened to be on the other team this time. The team moves to 5-3 on the season despite a few injuries that sidelined hard-hitting Aramis Ramirez and new addition Milton Bradley. Could be worse. If nothing else, my first experience at Wrigley reignited my excitement for the team. Maybe year 101 is the lucky one. Let's hope so. Go Cubs!

Also, I got a couple nosebleed seats for Sunday night's game against the archrival St. Louis Cardinals. If you're interested in rolling with me, let me know.

Pros and Cons

The athletic director at Penn State is faced with a unique situation in accommodating Joe Paterno. The 82-year old coach is a legend of college football, but he's definitely shown signs of "slipping" a bit. So let's weigh the Pros and Cons of having a coach like JoePa at Penn State, shall we?

Pro: Paterno provides the Penn State football program with a strong sense of tradition and pride which helps in recruiting and building up fan support. Its hard to argue with the results as the Penn State program is usually pretty strong; most recently, they posted an 11-1 regular season record and won the Big Ten title before getting blown out in the Rose Bowl by USC.

Con: He'll occasionally do things like join Bill Raferty at the broadcast table at Penn State's NIT Semifinal game against Notre Dame to make some comments that definitely had to make the school's AD cringe a bit. Take a listen:

"Its a black man's game now. When I grew up it was a Jewish game"
- Joe Paterno on the cultural evolution of basketball.

Do you think Penn State regrets keeping JoePa around? I mean, its like letting your grandpa be the symbol for your institution of higher education. You know, that one grandpa everyone has that doesn't mean any harm, but always seems to make some slightly off-color comments at the most embarrassing times?

Oh, JoePa, what will you say next?

Tough Times, Indeed

We all know that our economy is in a rut and that industries across the spectrum are feeling the pinch. But when you start to see some of your city's high quality institutions start to slip, it really pulls at the old heart strings. For instance, while I was taking a walk through the Uptown neighborhood in Chicago, I caught a glimpse of the following sight and froze in my tracks:


That's right, folks. The McJunkin Building is having trouble filling its office vacancies. In any well-functioning economy, it would be nearly impossible to imagine any business passing on the opportunity to have its operations associated with a name like "McJunkin", a virtual synonym for "prestige". These are truly tough times in America.

Back On My Grind

Well, its been a while, hasn't it?

I've been on a "hiatus" from posting on my previous blog, Homunculus, and by "hiatus", I mean, "I had to shut it down in the interest of remaining employed". Here's a helpful hint learned from experience: If you work for a public company, don't blog about your half-baked opinions regarding your employer's share price. They get all mad about it and stuff.

Anyway, I figured I'd get back in the game. I find myself seeing or reading things that I think deserve comment and like having an outlet to express my opinion, if only to provide an avenue to crystallize my thoughts. I'm sure you all missed my often ridiculous ideas, so you can now breathe easy knowing I'll be around to help dull your wit a little more everyday.

Talk to you soon.