Here's an absolute fact: The theme song for the Golden Girls is the greatest theme song ever of all time. And it always will be. Let's check it out.
"And if you threw a partaaaay..."
Man, it is so good.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
If it weren't so ridiculous, it'd be hilarious
Yesterday, the White House announced that it had removed $17 billion from the proposed 2010 budget. Republican congressmen were quick to point out that, despite how big $17 billion may sound, it only represented approximately 0.5% of the total $3.5 trillion budget and 1.2% of the planned $1.4 trillion deficit. As Republican Senator Judd Gregg put it,
"It's as if this were the Gobi Desert or the Sahara Desert and you came along and you took a few pieces of sand"
What a refreshing take. Republicans want to make sure that the American public isn't sidetracked by announcements like these and focuses on the big picture. They want to make sure that the people are well informed and don't judge the administration's budget based on the removal of items that have an almost insignificant impact on the whole thing. Transparency in politics! That is great, let's focus on what really matters and....wait, hold on, the Hypocrisy phone is ringing.
OK, I'm back. And I have some disturbing news.
Remember, that whole stimulus package thing that not a single House Republican voted for? I think it had something to do with all the "frivolous spending" that was included in the nearly $900 billion package. In fact, they submitted a list itemizing all the wasteful spending included in the bill. Yeah, that list only represented approximately 2.1% of that bill. But, apparently that was enough to categorize the entire bill as an exercise in government waste.
So, let's recap: When the White House makes efforts to reduce spending, 1.2% is but an insignificant fraction. When the White House wants to spend to bolster the economy, 2.1% represents the whole.
Either the GOP handbook declares 2% as the line of significance or this miiiiight just be a little political posturing.
"It's as if this were the Gobi Desert or the Sahara Desert and you came along and you took a few pieces of sand"
What a refreshing take. Republicans want to make sure that the American public isn't sidetracked by announcements like these and focuses on the big picture. They want to make sure that the people are well informed and don't judge the administration's budget based on the removal of items that have an almost insignificant impact on the whole thing. Transparency in politics! That is great, let's focus on what really matters and....wait, hold on, the Hypocrisy phone is ringing.
OK, I'm back. And I have some disturbing news.
Remember, that whole stimulus package thing that not a single House Republican voted for? I think it had something to do with all the "frivolous spending" that was included in the nearly $900 billion package. In fact, they submitted a list itemizing all the wasteful spending included in the bill. Yeah, that list only represented approximately 2.1% of that bill. But, apparently that was enough to categorize the entire bill as an exercise in government waste.
So, let's recap: When the White House makes efforts to reduce spending, 1.2% is but an insignificant fraction. When the White House wants to spend to bolster the economy, 2.1% represents the whole.
Either the GOP handbook declares 2% as the line of significance or this miiiiight just be a little political posturing.
Thought Exercise
Here's a quick thought exercise for baseball fans:
Imagine your favorite baseball players. The guys that you love to cheer for on a nice summer day. Hear the crack of your favorite slugger's bat followed quickly by the sudden cheer of thousands of fans. Feel your hands clapping as you stand and watch your favorite pitcher punch out a batter for the third out. Picture these heroes standing proudly in your mind.
Got it?
They're all juicing. All of them. As you read this, they have Russian doctors sticking giant needles in their biceps a la Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their backs are covered with acne and they're probably so jacked up on 'roids that, at this moment, they're punting kittens off of a roof while sobbing uncontrollably. Every single baseball player you have ever heard of is furiously chomping on tobacco to stop themselves from ferociously biting the neck of the nearest senior citizen.
But this will pass, won't it? Eventually, the Steroid era will be over and we will have learned a great lesson about what happens when we go to the dark side. Integrity in baseball will finally return...right?
Wrong. Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reopened his sweatshop where Malaysian infants are forced to work 20 hours a day, injecting Halloween candy with HGH. This candy will be passed out to every single Little League player across the globe on October 31. Right now, twelve-year old first basemen are curling 50 lb dumbells in a dark basement, discussing their violent Hannah Montana fantasies and punching each other in the face. It'll never stop. It'll never be over...
This exercise has been designed to desensitize you to any further steriods revelations. On the heels of the Manny Ramirez suspension, I find it best to just assume that every single baseball player is a filthy cheater. First, its probably true. Second, it removes all the suspicions that cloud the sport and allows us to just enjoy the game for what it is. Just try to think of it along the same lines as the NFL. What, you thought 250 lb men just naturally run 40 yards in 4.3 seconds? But who cares? Its awesome to watch them blow up an unsuspecting QB from the blindside.
So, remember: Your hero is a dirty cheater and has probably mugged several Salvation Army Santas to feed his drug habit. But, man, is he fun to watch at the plate when he's got a man in scoring position late in the game.
Have a good weekend! Go Cubs!
Imagine your favorite baseball players. The guys that you love to cheer for on a nice summer day. Hear the crack of your favorite slugger's bat followed quickly by the sudden cheer of thousands of fans. Feel your hands clapping as you stand and watch your favorite pitcher punch out a batter for the third out. Picture these heroes standing proudly in your mind.
Got it?
They're all juicing. All of them. As you read this, they have Russian doctors sticking giant needles in their biceps a la Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their backs are covered with acne and they're probably so jacked up on 'roids that, at this moment, they're punting kittens off of a roof while sobbing uncontrollably. Every single baseball player you have ever heard of is furiously chomping on tobacco to stop themselves from ferociously biting the neck of the nearest senior citizen.
But this will pass, won't it? Eventually, the Steroid era will be over and we will have learned a great lesson about what happens when we go to the dark side. Integrity in baseball will finally return...right?
Wrong. Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig reopened his sweatshop where Malaysian infants are forced to work 20 hours a day, injecting Halloween candy with HGH. This candy will be passed out to every single Little League player across the globe on October 31. Right now, twelve-year old first basemen are curling 50 lb dumbells in a dark basement, discussing their violent Hannah Montana fantasies and punching each other in the face. It'll never stop. It'll never be over...
This exercise has been designed to desensitize you to any further steriods revelations. On the heels of the Manny Ramirez suspension, I find it best to just assume that every single baseball player is a filthy cheater. First, its probably true. Second, it removes all the suspicions that cloud the sport and allows us to just enjoy the game for what it is. Just try to think of it along the same lines as the NFL. What, you thought 250 lb men just naturally run 40 yards in 4.3 seconds? But who cares? Its awesome to watch them blow up an unsuspecting QB from the blindside.
So, remember: Your hero is a dirty cheater and has probably mugged several Salvation Army Santas to feed his drug habit. But, man, is he fun to watch at the plate when he's got a man in scoring position late in the game.
Have a good weekend! Go Cubs!
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